Everything is becoming humorous and insignificant. My day to day life is filled with observations of these organisms that have no idea what’s going on around them. I watch their predictable behavior, laugh at their ridiculous habits, and am amused by our social constructs that they obediently follow. I still maintain much of my obedience as well, but see the absurdity in it. I often picture moments when I could do something extremely odd but don’t simply because I’m not sure of the ramifications. It’s not necessarily because of the immediate “embarrassment” I may feel, but rather how it will affect my life down the road…not that eccentric behavior is bad.
2015-03-16: I’ve never been happy with this analysis because I was lying. I would be embarrassed in the moment, I’m not brave enough to let go and do something crazy like that. I was telling the truth about long-term implications though and give my past self an approving nod. I have seen potential perspectives other people might have towards me and it’s almost always negative (there’s probably something to be said about that, but that’s another point entirely), instead these negative perspectives are because I have seemingly disappointed their expectations. I am not the person I think other people want me to be and thus I’ve recognized it on occasion and felt incredibly bad. So in one respect I’m glad I didn’t go the crazy route and let go entirely because that path would have truly alienated me beyond repair. Instead I have been quietly exploring under the table, damaging my perceived reputation in small manageable increments over the course of a few years. But it is ultimately repairable and I can return to perceived normalcy a stronger and more capable person. Oh and regarding the first part about laughing at people’s ridiculous behavior, that still happens quite regularly, but it doesn’t have an undertone of insanity, elitism, and is somewhat less humorous than at first. I suppose after awhile the joke gets old…