One issue that I’m constantly torn over is determining who I am. Very often I see a character from a movie or TV show and think to myself, “I should be more like them. They are strong, have X characteristic that’s [funny/witty/confident/etc.]” and I find myself imitating their behavior for a short time. Examples of this might be, after watching Downton Abbey, I was more proper, after Sherlock more intellectually stimulated, and after Thor more confident and strong. But the problem here is that I cannot be all these people at once and I cannot choose one definitively. I can’t JUST be Sherlock because I also want to be funny, social, and strong like Thor, and proper and witty like the rich folk from Downton Abbey. So what do I do? How do I determine who I am? Often times it seems like the coolest people in the world are those with really defined personalities. Joe Rogan may be the coolest person in the world because he’s consistent in his behavior. You can trust in his responses and predict in his behavior. Who am I? Where do I fit in this? If I cannot possibly choose one path to follow, then am I no one?
I’ve also been told or hinted at that those without strong personalities are weak, insecure, and confused. It seems intuitive even. That most of us are just misinformed and incapable of handling this world because we don’t have strong character. But I don’t feel this way. I lack a core personality that’s consistent across the board, but I don’t feel insecure or weak. In fact I feel stronger than ever and I would consider myself highly informed compared to most people. So who am I? Perhaps I am no one and that’s the point. Maybe when you begin to understand this universe and become enlightened you lose yourself and become unattached. Maybe having character isn’t the strongest level of development. Perhaps it’s just a burden.
2015-03-16: Or perhaps, young Sam, it just takes time. At this point in my life I had only been out of college a half-year, I had just begun to break the seal on the vast world of enlightenment, it seems perfectly reasonable to think that the complete destruction of my core self would result in a long uphill battle towards redefinition. It’s crazy to think how much lies in front of me at this point. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Complete and utter destruction. I have so many memories of being out in the world, realizing something profound, and rushing home so I could write it down on my computer. Each journal entry slowly tearing me apart and replacing the core of my being with something fundamentally different. Life is so crazy.
2018-09-12: First off, it seems likely that we are simply bad at seeing ourselves from the outside. We have such a vastly complex view of ourselves that we struggle to see the distilled external version that others see. So to think “I am no one” or devoid of a concrete personality is probably wrong. Second, basing it all on a “personality” or archetype is too broad when talking about a complex system. There are a multitude of smaller components that need to be reviewed first. I have a feeling my bigger issue is a lack of self-confidence more than anything.