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More Nonsense About Belief

December 11, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Belief is persistent. Over the past few years I’ve worked to consciously recognize and challenge my beliefs about the world. As a result, I’ve experienced, what I assume to be, almost constant cognitive dissonance that pushed me down a path of severe depression. I had to let go of everything foundational (foundational to me, not necessarily reality or fact) and live in a world I scarcely recognized. Even with the successes I’ve faced in redesigning my mind, I still find myself “wanting to believe”. For instance, I found myself watching a lecture by Richard Dawkins about some theory I cannot remember and I noticed that my mind “wanted” to accept his theory as fact. Even though I knew it was nothing more than conjecture, I felt compelled to believe in it, as if the world definitively ran that way. This is a dangerous game and a red flag worth recognizing because building your world off uncertain information does little to help you in the end. However, it brought up a few questions I’ve been pondering: “is it natural for the mind to believe in everything it absorbs, as fact? And if so, then why do we have cognitive dissonance in the first place? Or is this desire to believe nothing more than indoctrination of bad rationality early in our childhoods?” Any answers I find will be published in future series.

In regards to the abandonment of beliefs, you need to approach life like no one has ever taught you anything. You could illustrate it as an alien visiting Earth to document and observe our species. I often feel this way, as if I’m here more to learn than participate, asking sometimes basic questions in different ways to reveal insight I had never considered before. But this is a difficult path because there are no guides or teachers you can turn too. I had this realization early on when I grew frustrated and confused at why I was felt so lost. I was doing something rare and undocumented, something most people can’t fathom or even recognize. I should also clarify that the abandonment of beliefs does NOT need to happen all at once. I approached it systematically, attacking one belief after the other as I encountered them. Don’t overwhelm yourself, just start with what you already are questioning and branch out. Also be aware of the complexity of your mind. Competing or connected beliefs, you haven’t targeted yet, may interfere with how you interpret other things. It’s not a clean process where each belief is isolated and easy to root out. You will destroy a belief and yet find it rooted partially in another aspect of your mind. You will find fundamentally incorrect rationality embedded in many places even though you’ve eliminated them in others. Imagine the process of destroying beliefs like untangling a rubber band ball, sometimes the bands come off easily, but often they are buried under others that require you to remove them first to completely get at it.

The life you are leading, and the person you define yourself as, is both relevant and irrelevant when considering belief. Irrelevant in the sense that you cannot change past events so you are forced to accept the current variables of the system and deal with it. There is no alternative here. But relevant in that any minor change along the way could have drastically altered your perception of reality. It is this recognition that should both humble and scare you. By altering a single variable, regardless of size, you could become an entirely different person with different thoughts and beliefs. The point being that your choice to believe in something hinges on 1. something you may have no control over (look up modern developments on free will) and 2. something that is fragile and impermanent. Your beliefs don’t define you, they define one potential you. Realizing that weakness allows you to let go and rediscover the world.

Related to the last point, actively challenging your emotions is helpful in rooting out subconscious beliefs. For instance, you may not consider yourself fearful of the world, yet you are constantly engaging your mind. Distractions like work, exercise, eating, and socializing all pull your attention away from the present moment. It is when we stop these stimuli that we begin to sense subtle cracks in our foundation. I personally felt more confident, and in control, than ever before a few months ago only to realize, more recently, that underneath it all is this lingering and deep seeded fear. I would not be able to detect or challenge this by believing rigidly that I have made progress, conquered myself, gained confidence, etc. Belief [almost] always stands in your way.

Another important recognition to make is that everything you process is programming your mind is some way. Whether that be “sitting on the couch and watching TV” or “stressing out over new projects at work”, you are restructuring your mind to think that’s how the world operates. You are actually gaining skill and building neurons for those activities. That’s why it’s so important to target bad behavior quickly and eliminate it before it becomes too ingrained. Once those neurons are weakened (if you attack it) you can more easily override them with productive behavior. Belief is in essence “prolonged exposure to a stimuli” and does not necessarily have anything to do with truth. Additionally, this means we can justify any behavior, simply by programming our minds to think a certain way. Sit on the couch long enough and that will begin to alter how you view the world. You’ll set upper and lower bounds on how much TV watching is appropriate, where half a week is fine for you, while another thinks “no TV” is the only appropriate level. You’ll begin to believe the messages on TV and think that cable news is accurate. Your reality will change to fit with your environment. This also means that justification is useless in determining right and wrong or good and bad.

Finally, and this is just for fun, but what if our beliefs in how we perceive the universe is wrong entirely? Artificial Intelligence (AI) programmers have struggled for decades with how to create A.I., and have stated that it may be impossible or, at best, very long before we have anything considered true A.I. But I often wonder if we’re considering problems like this entirely wrong at a more fundamental level. Perhaps the design for A.I. needs to be approached from outside-the-box, a realm that seems discouraged by many within science fields. In fact, I have often heard that minds like Einstein and Feynman were not just brilliant but creative. We often degrade creative elements in science because they seem inherently unscientific, but yet also seem to yield truly innovative and alien results. And this avoidance is compounded by educational institutions and companies that train individuals how to think within their framework, as opposed to exposing people to new subjects and letting them come to their own conclusions. I believe this may account for a vast decrease in creative innovation right now.

What Happens When You Stop Meditating?

July 18, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Today’s video talks about my transition from regular meditative practice to a decreasing amount over the course of 6 months. As life got more busy, my focus shifted to other work and I found less time for meditation. While I did maintain much of my other practice, I lost the important part that kept me grounded and peaceful. I was less aware, less happy, and less “floaty”, an effect I had never understand until after it disappeared. I then experienced a week of depression and anxiety that culminated in my realization that I needed meditation more than anything else.

Within a couple days of strict practice I found myself leveling out and more content, but the floaty feeling of enlightened thinking has left me. I am now working to return back to my previous state while balancing my responsibilities and projects.

For Those Who’ve Crossed the River

June 27, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

This fall will mark the approximate 5th anniversary of my journey towards, what I assume to be, enlightenment. It began accidentally with an innocent mind stumbling upon deep, eluding questions about life, and a burning curiosity to discover their answers. And as the years march on, a transformation of thought and idea have become manifest, altering my mind forever. It has been a truly bizarre experience that I want to sum up with this allegory:

Coughing and sputtering up water, an exhausted figure climbs desperately ashore, collapsing into the dry sand. For awhile he just rests, breathing heavily and thanking the universe that he made it across. Behind him a vast bubbling river swirls and churns, filled with splintered logs and razor sharp rocks. Alongside the man extends a wide empty beach and in front a thick, untamed wildness. Finally, after summoning enough strength to sit up, the man stares back over the immense water he just accomplished. It had been a difficult and dangerous journey with numerous close calls. Among the waves and splashes he can see other brave swimmers attempting to cross. Some are near completion, others far on the other side. He can also just make out the other beach where many people are standing and observing the waters. Beyond that, a world where we all come from, the previous life before we realized the river was even here. The man sits and watches some of these people inspect the waters. Some casually glance at it and turn away, content with their own little world and uninterested in what the waters possess. Others are more interested and dip a toe in, perhaps even wading to their thighs, but ultimately turn around and retreat to the safety of the shoreline. Either confused at why they would continue further or just scared of the unknown. Others begin their swim, some slowly easing in and others with a sprint and a dive. But the man notices an interesting observation, almost none of the swimmers look across the water to the shoreline he sits at. They are only focused on the water immediately in front of them. Interesting he wonders, was I that unaware when I first began? Did I really not see the shoreline on the other side? He switches his gaze to the river itself and watches people struggling to swim the murky water. A good portion of excited swimmers quickly look panic-stricken and turn around to either wade in shallower waters or return to the shore. They appear unfit or insecure in their abilities to make the journey. Perhaps at a later time the man thinks, once they’ve grown a bit more. Most of the swimmers though are well on their way towards the middle of the river. But the man again notices a look of worry and concern that is slowly growing on their faces. Perhaps they are questioning the legitimacy of what they’ve been told. Is swimming this river really worth it? Is there really a bank on the other side at all? Was I hoodwinked into believing something entirely of fiction? Others are more concerned with their internal constitution and whether they’ll have enough energy and determination to stick with it until the end. Especially since the end isn’t even in sight. “What are we even swimming towards?” they wonder. And this is when the man sees various individuals, here and there, turning back or getting swept away down the stream. Most find themselves climbing back on the other shore, but some are caught in vortexes of swirling water, making the same strokes, but no progress. Almost as if they’re trapped and lost in the waters. And worse yet, some swimmers have disappeared, sucked under by the current, forever lost to the mystery of these waters. The man finds himself calling out, a tear streaking down his cheek. Memories of himself, struggling through the same challenges, flash through his mind. If only I could reach them and tell them how to succeed. But the man is unwise and does not yet realize that the bubbling waters are changing and that specific instructions do not necessarily help. In fact they can harm, even if the intention is good. For what seems like an eternity the swimmers continue ahead, but the pack is growing light. More and more individuals are being swept away or giving up, still unable to see the shoreline, unaware of how close they really are. The man at one point stands and shouts because one swimmer is mere meters from the shoreline and decides to turn back. “How close he has come! This is terrible,” the man yells in frustration. Watching further he sees a few key individuals who have stopped swimming and are calling others over. This swimming guru is attempting to teach others how to swim the current, but almost all his followers cannot swim any further than he, for they are limited to his skill. Only a small handful realize this and leave him, swimming in the moment and tackling the challenges as they come. For a long while the man watches all this go on, amazed that this challenge is not attempted by more people. He, himself, had not even heard of this bubbling river for many years and had only stumbled upon it by accident. He looks along the beach and sees not a single soul. Of all those swimmers, no one has made it yet, and for days, weeks, months, and even years he could sit without seeing anyone climb ashore. And then it dawns on him that his friends and family will probably never make it. “How have we not addressed this?” he wonders. It seems with all that the other world is composed of, someone could have been a guide along the way or technology could help bridge the gap. Or what about a clearer view of the other beach? Perhaps if people knew what they were swimming towards they’d try even harder. More and more questions begin to pile up and the man realizes his journey isn’t over. The water was just the test. The first step towards challenging himself and growing as a person. He stands up and gives the river one last look, emotion welling up inside. He says a quiet goodbye to his former life and turns to the tall trees and thick forest in front of him. Perhaps there’s something on the other side he says and steps within.

I hope this allegory helps you gain a more visual understanding of what the path towards enlightenment is like. This has been my own personal vision about it and I now find myself deep within the forest. It has changed me greatly as a person and I look forward to the continuing advance of my personal growth. If you too have found yourself across this river, leave a comment and share your own journey!

Admitting When You’re Wrong

June 16, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Today’s video talks about why you should admit when you’re wrong and why doing it often is a source of strength. It allows your mind to become malleable and fights the belief structures you’ve built up. It allows you to move from thought to thought without forcing new observations and information to conform to existing world views. It allows you to see clearly. But this task is difficult because you must challenge fundamental beliefs about the world to make it work. You must learn to walk through doors that are closed and appear very solid, because what you’ll realize is that the doors never existed in the first place, they only existed in your mind. Tear them down and free yourself from the restrictions and obstacles you’ve built up around you.

Emotional Control and Petty Manipulation

June 6, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Over the past year I’ve developed increasing control over my emotions coupled with complete shifts in my perspective on what emotion is and how to interpret it accurately. I’ve also changed much of my view on life in general and how to evaluate different matters more appropriately. These mutual shifts has resulted in something very interesting. For example, let’s say that due to a changing perspective and increased control over my emotions, I’ve grown more confident in my abilities. This boosted confidence along with the realization that certain actions or events aren’t as important or critical as previously thought, means that the value of my confidence is actually worth more. So not only am I more confident in myself, but that confidence goes further than before. In mathematical terms, it would be like A(confidence) – [B (required confidence) / 2 ] = total confidence, where previously it would have been A(confidence) – B (required confidence) = total confidence. Input A=100 and B=50 results in: 75 confidence rating in equation 1 and 50 confidence in equation 2. But even with this increasing control and fresh perspectives on life, I still find myself victim of occasional emotional experiences which are primarily negative and seemingly inescapable. Today was one of those days.

The day started with a stiff neck and slight headache which immediately set the stage for the rest of the day. After a quick breakfast and my morning routine, I realized I needed to quickly rearrange the office area so we could repaint the walls. This slight disturbance to my daily routine started the spiral of increasing negative energy. I soon found myself hot and sweaty, quickly bustling about a crowded and messy room. As the day moved on with continual distractions I also got pushed into repairing my truck rather than bringing it into the auto repair garage. This made me immediately uncomfortable because I am I completely inexperienced in this field and a job which was originally quoted to be an easy fix, suddenly hit snags. Oh, and did I mention that it’s a rainy and cool day which appears to be affecting my energy levels and interrupted our repair progress?

Ideally when encountering situations of petty frustrations it is advisable to escape for a quick 15 minute meditation. This can immediately restore your mental faculties and regain control over spiraling emotions. But unfortunately I was unable to find the time. Finally I managed to get away and found myself walking to the YMCA analyzing my behavior. I’ve achieved mental states with immense control over my emotions with deeply enlightened viewpoints that bring me to virtually untouchable locations (psychological invulnerability). And it struck me that my knowledge of these mindsets should simply be reason enough to access them. It’s not that I have to find the exact mindset (ex. a calm, serene feeling of control), but rather the realization that one exists at all should simply bring me there. And this thought did help and I found myself returning to a rational mindset with more control over my emotions, but it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t definitively attribute the change to that factor. Perhaps just getting away and walking to the YMCA was enough.

This analysis brings up another interesting point I’ve previously discussed about living in the moment. We only ever exist right now and can only ever utilize the systems current variables. You cannot access or change anything else. Thus it’s important to recognize the futility of emotional involvement in most activities. Regretting decisions or becoming angry about mistakes solves nothing. Instead you should reassess the situation, make calculations, choose the best decision to move forward with, and take action. For often, if not always, you will do this in time anyway, so you might as well begin now. This sort of thinking can allow you to catch your emotional self and say, “hey, calm down, your reaction to this solves nothing, make the best decision and move on.” And 99% of the time this works, but on days like today it somehow escapes me.

And that’s the point I wanted to share today. Even with powerful control over your emotions, there are still situations and chains of events that can trick your mind into becoming emotionally involved. And it should raise a serious red flag for you to realize that if petty things can push your buttons, then in truly serious situations where you desperately need your mental faculties, you will most likely break down. Take for instance the Boston Marathon bombing. Detonation occurs, and in your fantasies you run towards it to help with the injured, but in reality you run scared, your brain dictating your next move because self-preservation is too difficult to break. This is why it is so important to meditate on who you are and what is really going on inside your mind. It is almost always different than what you anticipate.

Lastly, I want to mention petty manipulation which, through my personal analysis, has become apparent to me. I think there is a part of me that almost enjoys feeling unhappy. I get some sense of self-pity out of it and thus my mind moves there. This is nothing but weakness and should remedied. Another reason I remain in negative states is to “punish” those that put me there. By acting negative or unhappy, I guilt other people into feeling sorry that they did something to upset me or pity me themselves. And on top of this, the idea of controlling myself and remaining happy and content won’t get the point across to those people. They won’t realize they messed up or pissed me off or should feel bad for me and thus I must appear negative. This is a very basic manipulative technique that seems naturally learned. Another simple weakness I will now assess and repair.

Enlightenment Journey Update: May 31st, 2013

May 31, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

It’s been just over a month since my last video which talked about multiverse and simulation theory. I’ve been so damn busy with my company SJC Media and my other project over at The Spawn Room that I’ve neglected publishing any content for Nothing Definitive. But today I have a video discussing a few things I’ve wanted to clarify about enlightenment, and an update regarding my personal journey and where I’m going. Unfortunately my life will continue to be very busy for the foreseeable future so content will be intermittent. But I’ll be here, finding time to meditate when I can, taking notes about the complexities of our universe, and sharing them as often as possible. So without further ado, here is today’s update.

Update: Something interesting I wanted to mention is that it’s bizarre to think that I’ve actually achieved much of what I set out towards 4 years ago. My desire for a more rational, intelligent mind now exists, something I wasn’t even sure possible. In fact, I wrote this the other day when I was meditating on this thought, “My mind is constantly at war, challenging and verifying every thought. Checks and balances, checklists, and internal monologues are constantly engaged. It’s hard to remember a time when my mind was more quiet. When every thought wasn’t followed by intense debate and validation. It’s amazing, but not necessarily in a good or bad way. Just…in the middle.” The point I want to make here is to never give up and never doubt yourself. IQ, natural learning abilities, gifted learners, etc. is all bullshit. I promise you. Everything is achievable, it’s just an arduous journey.

A Consequence of Multiverse and Simulation Theory

April 29, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Preface: Multiverse theory varies in definitions depending on which specific interpretation you’re considering. For this article, we’re going to be focusing on multiverse theories that create infinite universes and thus will loop existing and past universes given enough time. Simulation theory, and simulated multiverse theory, states that existence is simulated in a highly advanced computer system. We’ll also be assuming that an infinite amount of simulated universes will be created over time.

The other night I was lying in bed thinking about multiverse and simulation theory and how it would affect my life. As I lay there imagining all the different consequences I suddenly leapt up and ran to my computer to take note of a realization that’s led to profound changes in my worldview. This theory and what it means for each of us may be of monumental importance and I urge you as the reader to thoroughly read this article and consider the implications.

Based on the preface above, duplicate or looping universes are an inevitability. Given enough time and iterations, our exact universe will loop again, atom for atom. And what this made me realize over the past week is that, if every moment will be lived again, why waste even a second? For example, imagine you live your entire life doing what you’re “supposed to do”. You go to school where you’re told to submit, conform, learn, be quiet, follow orders, etc. You go to college because it’s vitally important you get a degree so you can get a job, even though there’s no guarantee of employment, but there is guarantee of debt. You manage to secure a job you didn’t particularly plan for, but it pays the bills and you keep it. For a couple years you work there until a better offer comes and you slowly work your way up the corporate ladder. But unfortunately you find out that your degree only takes you so far and the highest position you can get is a senior position that does basically the same work, but has more responsibility because you have to manage “underlings”. You work these sort of jobs on and off your entire life, making a decent amount of money, but not so much that you can comfortably pay for everything you’d like. You work past 65 because of college payments for your kids and helping them along, and because you want to maximize savings before retirement, especially since social security is long over after the US financial collapse (we recover, but it’s not quite the same). Suddenly you’re old and approaching death. You finally take a moment to reflect on your choices and ask big questions like “what does life really mean?” You take comfort in the idea that after you die, you’ll go to heaven or just be dead and gone, and that you spent time with family and friends and things weren’t so bad. In fact, you decide it was a pretty good life (a heart rate monitor beeps next to you). Then darkness creeps in your vision and death finds you. But it’s not over quite yet. An instant later an infinite amount of universes play their hands with a vast array of possible timelines and alternate choices, and buried among them is this one, atom for atom. The exact timeline, ready to play again. And just as everything went dark, light bursts forth, and you’re born again, destined to live out your life exactly the same as before.

This is the revelation I had last week. That if there is an infinite amount of universes, and they can eventually loop atom for atom, then you will live again, and play out the same timeline as before. And what this should get you to realize is that every moment you’re alive and well is a moment you should maximize. A moment that, if spent unhappy, will be unhappy forever. For instance, after this thought had crossed my mind, I caught myself reading a news article that meant nothing to me. I stopped midway through and said, “why am I reading this? I’ve read this before and it does nothing for me. It doesn’t make me more happy or more intelligent. I’m just reading it because it was in my news feed.” The next day I was crossing a street, deep in thought, and a responsible driver stopped before the crosswalk to ensure I had enough space to get by. This behavior is something most people don’t do because they aren’t looking for pedestrians. But instead of me waving and smiling to this driver, I just continued on, and it wasn’t until a few steps past that I realized I would live that moment again. That I had the opportunity to spread positivity by wordlessly thanking that respectful driver, but I missed it. This realization is so profound because it literally impacts every moment of your life. It makes you ask, “what am I doing? Is this really the best I can do right now? Am I taking advantage of this moment?” It’s powerful and inspirational. It can motivate you to work harder and spread happiness. To strive for perfection.

There is another consequence to this realization, and one that many will probably not grasp right away. It’s that, unless we are the very first iteration of this timeline, your past, present, and future are all predetermined. Since you can only ever operate within the realm of possibility and this timeline will loop, and probably has before, you can only ever play out this selected timeline. Even if you know this. This can be a hard pill to swallow, but would ultimately be true if universes do indeed loop. You may think, “but I can be random and make changes, do something unexpected to change my future”. Unfortunately you cannot. Imagine you are the first iteration of yourself, with the ability to make all unique choices. When you die and a duplicate universe is born, would your future self, the one that is just as real as you, get to make new choices? How could he if the universe loops atom for atom? Even the slightest change, even a single new thought, is an entirely new universe. You cannot change your future in that sense, it is static and predetermined. It is also unlikely in the simulation or multiverse theory to assume you are the first because it is 1:∞, or: the chance you are not the first universe is infinitely more likely than being the first one. So abandon all hope ye who enter. But on the bright side, does it really matter? All experiences from your perspective are new and novel and even feel like you’re making them.

Again, I know this realization can be hard to accept because of the implications, but it’s incredibly interesting to consider. On the plus side, you will live again and experience all the great moments you yearn for, you’ll see your deceased family and friends again, and you can take advantage of this knowledge by making life amazing from this moment on. On the negative side, you don’t have free will and your entire life is predetermined, people who’ve drawn a bad hand and died young or suffered dearly, will do it again, it still doesn’t answer any big questions like why does all this exist in the first place?, and it probably destroys any precept of religion existing or an afterlife. It’s monumental and profound and deserves deep consideration. I personally have not decided on whether this is likely or not, but I have begun making changes to support it. I suggest you do the same. Thanks for reading.

Challenging Enlightenment

April 23, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Today’s Nothing Definitive video is called “Challenging Enlightenment” and covers the importance of skepticism when pursuing self improvement. By being too certain with your progress you are actually limiting potential improvements by checking off thoughts as beliefs. It’s explains why this blog is called Nothing Definitive, because even thoughts that seem so obvious and so definitive, are often debunked weeks or months later! I also mention gurus, dualism, and interconnectedness and how trends like these can distract you from true learning and provide nothing but simplification for complex concepts. True learning comes naturally and flows from one topic to the next, whereas teachers can actually hinder your progress by jumping around. You should only ruminate on what you can and be patient for the rest. It will come. And terminology like dualism and interconnectedness often blankets many complex topics while ignoring flaws and distracting from real research. Don’t worry about experiencing these things, or even understanding them, their knowledge will come naturally.

Adopting Different States of Mind

April 11, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

In today’s episode of Nothing Definitive, I talk about how we adopt different states of mind depending on what we’re doing. And not just in the short-term, but how over a length our mind adjusts to adopt the views and emotion of our surroundings. I give the personal example of how my involvement in eSports has led me to worry about petty and trivial things, even though I had spent 5 months meditating and enlightening my mind. But to my surprise, within 10 minutes of meditating one night I pulled myself back from the clutches of darkness and returned to a happy and content state. But it seems impossible to maintain this once you return to whatever it is you do on a daily basis. And what I realized was that some people may never understand this difference because they go from school, to college, to a full-time job, without ever just taking a moment to calm down, and find real happiness.

UPDATE 2016-02-04: Just to clarify further, the realization here is that, by never fully disengaging from typical societal patterns (or common social expectations), you may never realize that the mental states you’ve adopted, because of your surroundings, are more unhealthy than alternatives that might exist in close proximity if you would simply take the time (and risk) to explore.

Underestimating How Smart You Can Become

March 24, 2013 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

In this episode of the Nothing Definitive series, I talk about how important it is to recognize the abundance of information present in the world. From my observations of ordinary people, it seems that the amount of learning they do after college is significantly less and continues sloping downward until they plateau. This is of course is problematic if you consider that you could literally spend every waking moment, until you die, learning about things. You could never read all the books, visit all the websites, watch all the movies and TV shows, etc. This should raise a red flag that makes you ask, “how different would my perception of reality be if I continued learning on a regular basis? How different would I be now had I been doing that over the past year?” Consider how much you changed from high school to college, or even just year to year at your current rate of learning. You’re an entirely different person all the time, with an entirely different understanding of the world. Taking that into consideration, who you’re going to be and who you could be in a year from now, are probably insanely different. And you should be asking yourself, “what about the people out there that are doing this right now? How powerful and knowledgeable will they be? How much are my friends and family learning? Will I fall behind?”

UPDATE 2016-02-04: What I think is most important to stress here is that through learning, and the unpredictable changes that result from new knowledge, you can realize how misguided and ill-informed your life decisions are and have been. This can be an exceedingly painful process to accept (resulting in a true crisis of faith), but ultimately sets you free to make wiser decisions in the future and undoubtedly aids you in identifying and destroying other mental barriers that limit your growth potential.