We speak so freely and yet a simple statement can reveal so much. “There is a place in dog training for aversion…” I wrote that knowing what I meant but other’s see a shallow reflection. They see a cascade of assumptions that define my ideology. A series of partial truths and falsehoods. Everything always seems so harmless in the moment, but the consequences can be grand. You can be defined by a statement. And yet, that’s not even the concern. Who cares what simple minds viewing shallow pools think. The danger lies in the facade being chipped away by an intelligent mind. Noting down the nuance and subtlety of their victims. Our words betray us given enough time. They reveal the master within. Someone we may not even be familiar with. And once that’s captured, there is no going back. The damage is done.
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Instagram might be the best social network yet. It’s more captivating to see life through imagery and it gets you out into the world. But more importantly it encourages you to be more aware OF the world. It’s completely revitalized long walks with my dog because each outing is a mini-adventure as we look for new and interesting angles on life. It’s also making me more aware of the neighborhoods I’m a part of and how they can be so similar within, but different from others. You can check out my posts here.
The Colorado Renaissance Festival
I saw all of humanity laid out before me. The clueless, dopey boyfriend who can’t take a hint from what his girlfriend was actually saying. The womanizer, at the most manly of carnival games, showcasing his muscles with a small harem cheering him on. The suspected pedophile trying to lure his grandchildren over to spend the night while politely resisting parents made every excuse possible. Juxtaposed, one table away, the great father leads his sons to a war veteran to show their respect. It choked me up as I watched and wondered how he became so great a man. Across the park I watched the acrobatic stage performers wow their audience with fire and tricks. At another meager and partially hidden stage a hobbyist made clay pots and explained his craft. Intelligent parents nodded on eagerly while their bored children stared off at the excitement locked away. An intelligent father with his UV protection goggles and perfectly trimmed appearance followed alertly behind his beautiful, but seemingly disinterested wife and child. She led, he followed. This was contrasted by the confident old lion of a large family leading his pride around the park, dictating where and when the fun should be had. The women of his pride followed with careful smiles while the children followed with frowns.
It is an amusement park built for commoners. A world of branded shops and cheap goods. Containing an image of humanity that is full of errors and flaws. People resisting the embarrassment of participating and creating a tension that was palpable. This force is inadvertently reshaping our minds. It diminishes creativity and erodes confidence. We will one day destroy our humanity to escape this fear and suffering while elite individuals rise above it. They see the truth of their actions and find ways to resolve them instead of perpetuating them naively. The top strives for perfection while the bottom becomes a machine. This is why it’s so important to carry the torch as soon as you can see it. To redirect that force at yourself in hopes that it saves the souls of those around you. Else we extinguish the flame that has burnt so many generations and all be consumed by the wickedness of social pressure.
Nothing Definitive by SMSHDW
Nothing Definitive is an enlightenment blog by Sam Shadow (SMSHDW).
Who am I?
For months, I was suspicious of something on the edge of awareness. Then in the strangest moment a rush of connecting dots. A cascade of realizations shedding new light on a portrait inside my mind. I stood there staring. Seeing for the first time a new reflection of myself. An angle that seemed so obvious yet never occurred to me before.
We are born oblivious and deceived. Living in a dreamlike state with manufactured realities as the actors and stage. The raw data of life filtered out in real-time by our ego, upbringing, fear, and biases. We move towards pleasure and simplicity and away from challenges and pain. All these factors contribute to the difficulty of answering what seems like a simple question: who am I?
I didn’t originally set out to answer this question. It came from practicing meditation, and specifically, “being in the moment”. This heightened situational awareness led to the realization that I was ignoring information around me. It started with simple exercises like noticing how hard I closed doors or consciously announcing what actions I was taking. From there it expanded into a regular practice until it became more automated and started to reveal new observations about my behavior and how I really felt inside. Looking back, it’s shocking to realize how imperceptive I used to be by comparison. How had I not noticed these things before and if I hadn’t noticed them, what else was I missing? What role was I really playing in life? How did people perceive me and did it compare to how I saw myself? The bridge inward was inevitable.
As I started to investigate these questions I came across the first important aspect of my identity: that I am impressionable and rely on mimicry to define myself. By mimicking others, or even fictional characters, I would temporarily satisfy these questions and my insatiable need to “be someone”. But there are problems with this strategy. The first is that other people and fictional characters are shallow. You see only a convenient fraction of their lives and so mapping them onto you is purely aesthetic. Humans are far too complex for this to be a satisfactory solution to the problem. The second issue is that different people and characters directly contradict one another. So even if there was a way to adequately mimic another entity, you could never reconcile the differences between multiple targets and, in my case, I could never commit to a singular persona. There was always another person or character I wanted to absorb.
Side Note: mimicry is not a bad strategy. It is incredibly useful for bestowing new perspective and understanding about the world. It is especially useful when you mimic others without predicting the consequences or knowing where it leads. I call this “blind mimicry” and it can ensure that you don’t accidentally place your own beliefs and assumptions in the way of exploring new data.
I found it additionally confusing that the “best people” in life seemed to have strong personalities. Since I didn’t consider myself to fall under this category the inverse meant I must be weak, insecure, and confused. This led to a desperate desire to embrace a character while ignoring another obvious flaw in the plan: that you have to believe in that character and uphold their convictions. This perspective directly conflicts with what I’m trying to accomplish. Characters are predictable and must obey their programming. I saw this as a weakness because belief is a weakness and adaptability is strength. This conflict left me feeling “undefined” and I always fell short of the standard I set for myself. I needed to both be “someone” and “no one”. I kept expecting to solve the riddle until I realized an emerging truth: defining yourself does not come from hand-selecting traits or mimicking others, it comes from slowly cultivating experiences and knowledge over a long period of time. You are already someone, you just don’t know who it is.
My eventual conclusion was that as you explore yourself and the world you must first destroy what exists. It is an inevitability that you must become “no one” to eventually become “someone”. How we are structured in our youth is simply a template to get us started, but the final form is crafted by our decision-making and how willing we are to explore uncertainty. Without that conscious effort you risk building your character on a poorly crafted foundation. The result of this effort over the past four years has allowed me to reassess my beliefs and the world more clearly. I have consciously selected my convictions and principles and rebuilt a foundation that feels stable and purposeful. I no longer feel as if I’m in a dream, unconsciously maneuvering this world, confused by its complexity, and frustrated by my misunderstandings. A strong character it seems is born out of an abolition of childhood beliefs, an abolition of a false self, and the fearlessness to let the world reshape them.
Despite my best efforts I still see myself in fundamentally different ways. By reflecting on my memories, I have gained further insights into who I was and who I might be today. Each year providing new realizations that reshape my foundation, but that further strengthens my overall character. Originally I thought this would be a temporary problem resolved after some deliberate effort, but it was naive of me to think I could expedite the process. This practice results in a new mind with new understanding that can shed different light on our memories. This is why regular reflection is so important because you have a limited amount of time to explore different aspects of your past with a unique perspective. You also become increasingly intelligent over time and by returning to the same memories you are able to provide never-before considered insight. These sessions can also be aided by drugs like marijuana. Drugs seem to force your mind into new territory which reveals stark differences between how you see the world in that moment and how you see it normally. This “stereo vision” tends to make me significantly more aware of my surroundings and thoughts, as if I have two minds operating instead of one. I have answered a great many abstract questions under the influence, but it’s important to apply additional skepticism as well. I have found some stoned thoughts to be false and others to be skewed and misleading. It seems as if the mind isn’t well suited at interpreting reality whether we’re sober or high, but that having both perspectives can be useful. I personally recommend exploring both worlds over a long period of time before jumping to any conclusions. I would also be cautious about being too consistent in life because great insight can happen in strange, unexpected moments. By exploring new ideas, new experiences, new medias and mediums you can trigger profound and surprising changes in your self-image.
My last piece of advice is to be a good listener. If you stop talking and ignore your opinionated thoughts you can learn a tremendous amount of new information. In fact, the further I’ve walked down this path of self-exploration the quieter I’ve become. To some this may be a negative consequence, and sometimes it is, but the benefits have been worth the trade-off. Listening has allowed me to realize how many incorrect things I’ve been told throughout my life and how often I was parroting them. It’s also allowed me to truly hear what other’s are saying and explore ideas previously closed off due to social pressure. This collapse of mental barriers grew exponentially after I realized just how little those around me knew of the world. Listening can also help confirm suspicions about yourself and reveal hidden opportunities in society. Statements from others have also helped solidify parts of my foundation so I could free up mental energy to focus on other challenges. The result has been a sharper mind that is less prone to external influence, more compassionate towards the struggles of others, and more aware of how I use the information entering my mind.
“Know thyself”. There’s a reason this statement has persisted more than two thousand years. Taken seriously, it leads you down a bizarre path that transcends the fleeting endeavors of our daily lives. The process can be painful, arduous, and temporarily upset our lives and isn’t helped by the fact that we are constantly changing. However, what’s gained through the struggle is immensely rewarding and the underlying insights can help you accurately decode reality. This knowledge will assist you in everything you do, build confidence in who you really are, and protect you from a world full of dangers.
Being Confidently Lonely
I am a lonely person. I wasn’t always this way, but I’ve had a foot in the door for a long time. When I embarked on this journey to solve the struggles of depression my loneliness increased tenfold. I stepped completely through the door and began exploring a foreign territory within. I was timid at first, never letting my vision stray far from the exit, but eventually I let go and disappeared within. That was four and a half years ago. Since then I have been exploring this world alone. Disconnected from others, but obsessed with life. During the first years I became utterly fascinated with the complexity and depth of reality. How I had never noticed it before is mind-boggling, but then I observe other’s and see the same gap in understanding. We are blinded by something in our mind and when you remove it you can never go back.
The primary issue that caused me to separate from others was a decision: I could socialize or I could explore. I was born an explorer and so the choice was easy especially since socialization had become almost unbearably dull by comparison. As a philosopher and explorer my work demands loneliness. Seeking higher awareness, carefully observing others, and reflecting on the experience requires isolation. People are distracting. Even when I’m with my friends it’s a partial engagement because their words and insights often cloud the experience around us. The sacrifice then is a trade-off you’ll have to reconcile: relationships or understanding? It’s not an easy path and requires you to face the unknown. To step into the darkness and destroy yourself. Choices I believe no sane person would normally entertain, but when depression awaits your return, the decision seems easier.
The result of this experiment has been further disconnection. I find myself a shadow in the world: separate, unique, and lonely. I stare through people and pass-by as if they didn’t exist. I have found them to be woefully uninteresting and insignificant to such a degree that they are like mere objects in the world. Creatures too consumed by their own precious thoughts to notice the beauty and depth of reality. And so I feel different. Wildly so. I will admit however that past desires blur the line between fact and fiction. I cannot tell whether I have constructed this illusion or whether it really exists.
What’s strange though is that the fear of loneliness is dissolving. For a time I considered it an objective consequence of this lifestyle. A punishment for my lack of integration. But lately I’ve circled back around and questioned whether it needs to be this way. I am friendly, open and honest, passionate, and caring. I have carefully selected principles. I am well educated and interesting. I contribute to the community. Perhaps what I’ve gained is well worth the loneliness. Perhaps I can be a good person who embraces a lonely lifestyle. If I truly gain little from the presence of others, maybe the world and what it offers is my only companion. I have been programmed to fear loneliness. I have been shown a healthy, normal lifestyle, and yet that lifestyle caused me to suffer immensely. I know I have undoubtedly disappointed some people in my life and yet I cannot steer my gaze in any other direction. I must walk these streets alone. I must ignore the safeguards of society for the uncertainty of this knowledge. I must cultivate and explore what it has to offer. I cannot turn away. I cannot go back. But I can be confidently lonely.
How to change your life for free
A large part of changing your life is recognizing the issues and understanding them. More so than brute forcing change simply because you know it’s right (for example, eating healthy, getting exercise, and maintaining a healthy weight). Once you see an issue clearly, you can’t help but naturally resolve it. Why intentionally make a mistake that is clearly laid out before you? This is why small iterative changes through recognition may be an optimal strategy for achieving your goals. You don’t need to go on a diet to lose weight, you need to understand why diet and exercise are important. You need to recognize when you’re being weak and become aware of your cravings. You need to recognize that your body has to process and recover from rich sugary foods just like it does from a night of drinking. Once these things become apparent, you will naturally adjust your lifestyle, even subconsciously or inadvertently, and lose weight as a result. The first 15 pounds of your 20 pound goal might be “free” simply because of your expanded awareness of the connected issues to “losing weight”.
Note: “Once you see an issue clearly, you can’t help but naturally resolve it” does not mean, “I’m overweight, I need to shed some pounds” or “eating unhealthy and not exercising enough has led to me gaining weight recently”. These are not clear understandings. These are shallow statements made by someone who does not understand the depth and complexity of the world. An example of seeing the issue clearly might be: understanding how foods are processed by your body and seeing the differences between organs treated with a healthy diet and exercise versus organs treated poorly. It may involve exploring a body simulator in VR that leaves a lasting impression on how amazing these complex systems are. It may involve research into vitamins and supplements, experimenting with different exercise routines, stretching, and yoga. It may involve meditation, countless books and lectures from experts in the field. It may involve personal observations of the consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle and anecdotes from friends. All this, among many other related insights, eventually connect to form a neural map that enlightens you about this particular issue in your life. You suddenly see yourself accurately in the territory and realize what’s at stake. The conflicts and challenges you faced suddenly seem trivial and the answer obvious. It is at this moment that 15 pounds freely shed themselves because you are naturally and unambiguously inclined to simply correct your lifestyle. This is what I mean by seeing the issues clearly.
Manifested Realities is our Minds Ability to Adapt
Today’s video talks about how altering ones perception and the subsequent manifestations of potential realities may reflect nothing more than our minds ability to fully adapt to what the universe has to offer. It’s this idea that the profoundness we experience under different states of mind are not actual representations of actual realities, but rather the scale to which our minds can form abstract thoughts that in turn allow us to experience a wide range of actual reality. Without the ability to form bizarre realizations we might be ultimately limited in how much and to what degree we can actually take input data. If true, it reveals the importance of science as a true form of discovery and creates boundaries we can use to help define what is real and what is nothing more than conjecture.