Category: Posts

Why would activation energy exist?

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Why do activation costs and the ego exist? How do they factor into the evolutionary development of our mind? Why would we even have activation costs if they make us lazy and less likely to survive? Or are these simply consequences to a self-aware mind?

UPDATE 2013-01-27: Activation energy probably exists for the same reason physical energy exists. It’s finite and wears out with use. Just as we can exercise the body, we can also exercise the mind to make it stronger and work longer. And they have limited energy because only so much energy can be stored in your muscles and mind at a time. You have to rest to recharge.

UPDATE 2015-03-16: I can also imagine that cells, energy in general, wants naturally to be at rest, and that life resists this natural tendency through its own mechanisms. In the beginning cells had minor internal functions that grew in complexity and further from that state of rest. The more complex we become, the more noticeable those forces acting against us are. Life, energy, movement is all working against the natural state of the universe. What it comes down to is managing our brain chemistry and realizing that all these systems respond to change and long-term change equates to more permanent results. Cells don’t want to work, but they will, and the more you work them the more they can shape until they run more optimally under the conditions you’re trying to reach.

UPDATE 2018-09-11: This idea that the natural state is “at rest” might be wrong. The universe is literally vibrating constantly at its smallest levels. To think that the universe is at rest seems wrong from that perspective. However, it may be that we’re “overclocking” our systems which is why activation energy exists. The system wants to be alive and move, but only to a degree. As humans, especially in modern societies, we want to constantly be active and engaged with the world which is beyond the default desire of the system. This is why we get tired and require willpower to overcome it. We’re revving the motor and expecting it to just work or have no consequences over time.

Fear of Success

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

I’m reading a blog post called “Fear of Success” and it made me realize that maybe a lot of people don’t succeed in life because they actually fear it. Whereas I am obsessed with becoming rich and powerful and enlightened, they are actually scared of achieving because of the added pressure…seriously? That seems absurd, although I suppose without pursuing the right paths, normalcy feels safe and secure. Or maybe it’s their attachment to the status quo. That would make sense since we observe that sort of thing historically and on a daily basis.

UPDATE 2015-03-16: The only thing that really stands out here is the realization that people are different. Truly different. Fundamentally different in how they think. Who I am is alien compared to other people and it means nothing in terms of value. We are all just different and play different roles and have different ideas about what things mean and how they should be done. There are probably people that legitimately self-sabotage because they’re afraid of succeeding. I might be one of them. Why don’t I try harder at work? There’s probably a lot of reasons, but one might be that I’m really scared of standing up in front of everyone and taking a strong lead on something. Standing up at the quarterly meeting and asking a question or giving a presentation. Spearheading a project. In this little world of mine I might be too scared to succeed. We are all very different and yet very vulnerable in the same ways. Keep an open mind and scrutinize yourself from every angle because you might just realize that something that seems so certain to apply or not apply to you, might just do the opposite.

UPDATE 2018-09-12: This is kind of embarrassing to read. I am, and was, scared of succeeding just like everyone else and didn’t realize it. The way we view ourselves internally is so much different from how we really act in the moment. That’s the big difference here. I was caught up in how I thought of myself, but not the reality of real life situations. The fear of success is referring to actual moments in life when difficult situations are presented and most of us fail to perform correctly. We struggle, we break under pressure, we back down, we do the wrong thing. That’s what’s really being said here. I was just a naive kid when I wrote this with a skewed perspective of reality because I thought I was somehow immune or exempt from the pressures of the real world. Really it was just a lack of real life experience that will quickly humble you when you realize you’re not all that you think you are.

Who Am I? (Primer)

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

One issue that I’m constantly torn over is determining who I am. Very often I see a character from a movie or TV show and think to myself, “I should be more like them. They are strong, have X characteristic that’s [funny/witty/confident/etc.]” and I find myself imitating their behavior for a short time. Examples of this might be, after watching Downton Abbey, I was more proper, after Sherlock more intellectually stimulated, and after Thor more confident and strong. But the problem here is that I cannot be all these people at once and I cannot choose one definitively. I can’t JUST be Sherlock because I also want to be funny, social, and strong like Thor, and proper and witty like the rich folk from Downton Abbey. So what do I do? How do I determine who I am? Often times it seems like the coolest people in the world are those with really defined personalities. Joe Rogan may be the coolest person in the world because he’s consistent in his behavior. You can trust in his responses and predict in his behavior. Who am I? Where do I fit in this? If I cannot possibly choose one path to follow, then am I no one?

I’ve also been told or hinted at that those without strong personalities are weak, insecure, and confused. It seems intuitive even. That most of us are just misinformed and incapable of handling this world because we don’t have strong character. But I don’t feel this way. I lack a core personality that’s consistent across the board, but I don’t feel insecure or weak. In fact I feel stronger than ever and I would consider myself highly informed compared to most people. So who am I? Perhaps I am no one and that’s the point. Maybe when you begin to understand this universe and become enlightened you lose yourself and become unattached. Maybe having character isn’t the strongest level of development. Perhaps it’s just a burden.

2015-03-16: Or perhaps, young Sam, it just takes time. At this point in my life I had only been out of college a half-year, I had just begun to break the seal on the vast world of enlightenment, it seems perfectly reasonable to think that the complete destruction of my core self would result in a long uphill battle towards redefinition. It’s crazy to think how much lies in front of me at this point. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Complete and utter destruction. I have so many memories of being out in the world, realizing something profound, and rushing home so I could write it down on my computer. Each journal entry slowly tearing me apart and replacing the core of my being with something fundamentally different. Life is so crazy.

2018-09-12: First off, it seems likely that we are simply bad at seeing ourselves from the outside. We have such a vastly complex view of ourselves that we struggle to see the distilled external version that others see. So to think “I am no one” or devoid of a concrete personality is probably wrong. Second, basing it all on a “personality” or archetype is too broad when talking about a complex system. There are a multitude of smaller components that need to be reviewed first. I have a feeling my bigger issue is a lack of self-confidence more than anything.

Read the full version of this post here

Luck doesn’t exist

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Luck is not some mysterious force working inside us, but rather tiny subtle flaws or advantages intrinsic to our current personality or understanding of the world. Luck is as relevant as our day-to-day emotions. Fleeting, seemingly random, but controllable with enough data and effort.

The fear of accidentally ruining your mind

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Another interesting thought this article reminded me of, is this feeling that my mind isn’t entirely in my control. When I read articles like this that talk about a helpless psychological condition we all face and only few of us defeat, I have this nagging worry that says, “by reading this, you’ll adopt this behavior and ruin your mind!” or something along those lines. I know it’s absurd, but it’s a consistent concern I have when exploring unfamiliar territory. However, I am beginning to feel a force working against it. Perhaps by continuing to explore this world I will eventually reach a point where “I know everything” (not literally) and can completely control my mental states. I could read about something like this article and be entirely unphased by its information because I already know the truth of the situation. This article is actually a good proof-of-concept because I am somewhat aware of what he speaks and have a preformed opinion about it. So as I’m reading I feel that weird adoption anxiety but also something pushing against it, reminding me of my personal reality. It’s interesting. Perhaps it’s belief…which may or may not be good.

UPDATE 2013-07-09: I remember this feeling well and it’s only in recent months that my mind has reached a strong enough point where these worries no longer affect me. In fact, it’s important to note that with consistent practice, thoughts like these have almost entirely vanished from my life. I’ve made a lot of emotional and psychological progress that I wasn’t sure I could do a year ago. It’s very exciting to see such profound changes take place, especially when I had no idea what to expect or where it was going.

UPDATE 2015-03-16: This is really interesting and probably highlights a weakness of mind we call “ignorance.” When you don’t know, anything seems possible. I remember being plagued by this thought on numerous occasions, that what I read or thought about, might infect my mind. Now I am completely free of it. I know too much to be affected that easily. This surely has religious implications, young minds, captured by indoctrination, see a world they do not understand and thus must construct imaginary worlds to explain and protect. If you stop learning, on any level, you have failed. The world will remain a mystery, and you a slave to its every whim.

The human parasite

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

What if the human race is a parasite? The planet started with a natural equilibrium of water and biomass (plants) with healthy bacteria (animals) living on it, then the human parasite began to spread, devouring its resources and consuming the planet. What if we were seeded for this reason? Perhaps our forefathers, long ago, launched our genetic material into space in all directions, hoping that some small fraction would reach other habitable planets. Spreading the human race through the galaxy like a virus. Maybe we’re destined to die here, but not before launching our own genetic material back into space to keep the cycle going.

UPDATE 2015-02-08: This seems more plausible if life is exceedingly rare. An alien society seeding planets because it won’t happen naturally. Sure they expand themselves to various points throughout the universe, but probably not ALL the planets. Seeding hundreds, thousands, millions of them seems reasonable if the odds of life are so slim by default.

UPDATE 2018-09-10: Humans are not virulent. The planet has never been at a natural equilibrium. There have always been problems and humans are just as natural as other complex systems in the environment. It’s one thing to see similarities, but to reach a conclusion about humans being a virus or bacteria upon the earth is naive. Viruses don’t build cities, write books, make YouTube videos, or perform surgery. Comparing us to them is a vast oversimplification of the situation we find ourselves in. Sure, there are patterns, and comparisons like this can be useful, but it is not a conclusion.

On the outside looking in

June 25, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

Everything is becoming humorous and insignificant. My day to day life is filled with observations of these organisms that have no idea what’s going on around them. I watch their predictable behavior, laugh at their ridiculous habits, and am amused by our social constructs that they obediently follow. I still maintain much of my obedience as well, but see the absurdity in it. I often picture moments when I could do something extremely odd but don’t simply because I’m not sure of the ramifications. It’s not necessarily because of the immediate “embarrassment” I may feel, but rather how it will affect my life down the road…not that eccentric behavior is bad.

2015-03-16: I’ve never been happy with this analysis because I was lying. I would be embarrassed in the moment, I’m not brave enough to let go and do something crazy like that. I was telling the truth about long-term implications though and give my past self an approving nod. I have seen potential perspectives other people might have towards me and it’s almost always negative (there’s probably something to be said about that, but that’s another point entirely), instead these negative perspectives are because I have seemingly disappointed their expectations. I am not the person I think other people want me to be and thus I’ve recognized it on occasion and felt incredibly bad. So in one respect I’m glad I didn’t go the crazy route and let go entirely because that path would have truly alienated me beyond repair. Instead I have been quietly exploring under the table, damaging my perceived reputation in small manageable increments over the course of a few years. But it is ultimately repairable and I can return to perceived normalcy a stronger and more capable person. Oh and regarding the first part about laughing at people’s ridiculous behavior, that still happens quite regularly, but it doesn’t have an undertone of insanity, elitism, and is somewhat less humorous than at first. I suppose after awhile the joke gets old…

The Idiots in Washington

June 19, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

When people complain that their government is handling geopolitics or domestic issues wrong, it’s important to note that you most likely do not see the whole strategy. Unless you’ve spent countless hours researching and are connected to high ranking individuals who can feed you confidential intelligence, you’ve only seen some of the moves. It’s like looking at a chessboard that’s 50 moves in but you’ve only seen a few moves here and there, spaced at random (and never the entire board at once). Thus it would be foolish to complain and protest when player X moves his rook. You do not see where it lands or how it’s positioned on the board and you do not see the enemies pieces. There’s a lot of data missing. Then you must also consider that the United States, and other nations, routinely hire hundreds, if not thousands, of brilliant analysts that sit around and consider these strategies. They take into account variables you’ve never considered, they balance gains and losses you cannot see, they interact with covert organizations and individuals, they look at funds both private and public, the list goes on. To complain and say, “those idiots in Washington don’t know what they’re doing! I could do better!” is nothing short of foolish ignorance.

The interesting counterpoint to consider here is that transparency is important. Governments who grow too powerful and can remain hidden from their people are dangerous, but at the same time, they cannot simply reveal their strategies because enemies can use that information against them. So what’s the solution? It’s not obvious nor easy.

Remember, it’s easy to feel like you know the answers, but really hard to actually know them. Challenge yourself.

The experience of first sight

June 16, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

It is profoundly important to the human experience. It is not a state of enlightenment or spiritual awakening, you are not connecting with God or the universe on a new dimension, but rather you are simply seeing the world from your own eyes, unobstructed, for the first time. You are leaving behind what you’ve been taught and the rules you’ve been told exist. It is a powerful moment and thus can be frightening and disturbing. It is the realization that everything you know is suddenly incorrect or misguided and is not easy to swallow, but it is necessary for growth.

Storing data behind your eyelids

June 16, 2012 / Sam Shadow (SMSHDW)

While I was just meditating I had a moment of…hm, I’m not sure what to call it. Let me preface this with something. When I was learning about Ayahuasca (DMT) they mentioned this vast inner chamber that you can experience. Almost like a massive dome inside your mind or perceived outside your body; more or less just a significantly large space. During one previous meditation session I felt this momentarily, like there was a large inner world inside my mind. It was a brief experience. I just had a similar experience right now during this session. I felt an inner space behind my eyes. Basically like there was a bulletin board or room within my mind for an “inventory”. And it got me thinking, perhaps there could be a memory method developed around this. Inside our minds, around our eyes, accessible simply by closing them and looking up, down, left, or right, we could quickly access bits of data. By consciously planting information in these slots, they could be written and memorized very quickly.